Keikaku Doori

So, here late at night I decide to do another bit of self-reflection to herald in the new year for this blog, it seems.

For anyone still bothering to read this: A Happy New Year to all, even if it is a year late. Something somewhat special about this new set of 365 days, however is that it is indeed part of a new decade. So to all, I would assume it provides a sense of renewal, energy, and re-birth for people around the globe.

Why do people find such enlightenment in spiritual things, in deities, the stars, astrology, relationships, feelings, down to the mundane things that make people feel awesome, like purchasing PVC figurines (as I seem to be so addicted to), playing games, buying cars, speeding, cutting wrists, etc.?

It’s a question I continuously come back to. I wonder at times, why I have friends, why I need a job, why I do the things I do.
Certainly it doesn’t explain why I feel like crap some nights, feel amazingly good about myself others, and unlike 5 years ago, need some form of reasoning to do things.

Long ago before I was legally an Adult, I would often do things because they simply had to be done. Things like sliding on the floorboards, a la Risky Business, things like photography and gaming. All self-gratuitous acts of violence, stupidity and sheer moronic childishness that in all honesty, made life feel awesome. I cared little for my school life, my friends of the day all reveled in childish immaturity, and the general stupidity and thrill of bothering our paid mentors at the time was quite the way of life.

Fast forward to my college life, things changed. For the first half of 2007, I was much of a loner, generally avoiding other crowds, people, and the like – I hated the school, the life and typically anything. Without resorting to self harm, I usually spent my days playing games at home, avoiding schoolwork and people where possible. However, this was all not without positives. I met a few of my closest friends today, during the first half of the year back then. One of them being Spectre257, who also happens to be the blogger at Delayed Flight. Throughout that year he was everything a friend should be. Helpful in times of need, argumentative in debates and not afraid to toss his usually blunted opinions at me, and most importantly he was one to tell me to get off my high horse quite often.

Needless to say, things in College were quite “serious business”, as I got older. My 2nd year had me meeting more of the friends I treasure dearly nowadays. (If they read this, they’ll know who they are). I was still a delinquent, idiotic, idealistic naive idiot back then, and I partly am now. That said, these guys helped me through. I learned how to deal with people, how to read situations, how to go about life as a proper person in a social environment. I probably owe most of my lively-hood today to these people, and I’m not about to forget that fact anytime soon.

Those carefree days were still amongst the most fun I’ve had in my life. For once, I actually looked forward to going to school, to see friends, to talk about happenings on the internet etc. The valuable things. I learned to be less of a selfish prick, and at the same time valued my friends like gold (and still do). In short, I grew up.

At this stage I was beginning to follow through with some life aspirations – to get a job in Information Technology (a dream held since I was about 12), to learn more about the world, and importantly to never stop learning. Whether or not I followed through with the final one, I have still managed to keep learning something new every year, so that seems to be good enough.

Over the next few years, things start to get dull. Instead of university, I chose full-time work. My guess is as good as anyone’s, that I did that instead of higher education to spite my parents ranting on how golden University was. Perhaps it was my study habits too – One thing I simply cannot do is study. Not without gratification of what I am doing, or where I am going. Anyhow, I started working and continued onwards for the next 24 months.

Through that time there was my fair share of sorting through drama with friends, working through my own muddled head and figuring out where I was going in life, what I wanted, whether or not I liked my job, so on. It was pretty depressing thinking of this, but something I did note – What the hell would I do from here? At this stage I was a pretty big Otaku. Loads of anime, figures, games, consoles, and to most people pointless geekery that would have little value in the world of  men, in their suits and business mannerisms.

During this I also picked up Photography, honed my skills buying figures online, and mindlessly bought computer hardware. (Jokingly, imagine if I had a girlfriend to pour my money into…) Filling the gap, without much of a thought or care.

And really, from someone who’s recently gone from High school delinquent to IT Professional, growing up does suck – Yes, there are freedoms. Cars, Money, moving out – but do you really want that? In honesty, I miss the days I could yell for mum to pick me up from school. I miss the days of burning out-dated math textbooks in public bins, of pretending to deal drugs to scare teachers.

One thing, however hasn’t changed about me and I’m glad. The naive thoughts of following my dreams and passions are still here with me. The childish treasuring of all my friends, regardless of who they are, what they’ve done and how they act is still strongly with me. No matter how many times I almost burned out, it’s those thoughts that have helped me get through, that I have somewhere to go still, and if you want to get somewhere, don’t spend your time dawdling on how, and that it’s impossible – Get out there and pursue it. Perhaps you’ll get tired and find a different target, but what have you to lose from that?

Fast-track things to now, and I would never imagine me being here today. I work for a large company as a Network Analyst in a professional environment, I have a car, I’m moving out – Mentally, I’m still abit of a mess, I still have no idea where I want to be in the future, I still complain about being single without doing anything, and I still pour effort into hobbies and games to give me some satisfaction to fill some kind of fictional void.

Importantly, I still have that stupidly childish dream of being an astronomer one day, to keep following what I believe in, to look after mates. Good or bad that I usually put them before me in priorities, who knows – It might bite me some day, until it does I’ll keep doing what I believe in, and that’ll keep me going for now.

Regardless of all that history, I still get thoughts at times too. Why people need friends, why people like hugs, why Superman wears external underwear, so on, so fourth. I’m still questioning why people need to believe in deities, I still question why I like hash browns so much, and why humanity does the things it does.

In the end of it all I’m still a confused heap of crap on the best of times. I can do my job well, I love my hobbies and friends, I laugh when some of them suggest I’m gay, and I still question just about every belief, goings-ons and nonsensical statement. For me? I do things that make me happy. Happy to know my friends are safe, happy to know I got better at taking photos, happy to know I’m doing well in my job that secures my livelyhood. People that call me immature, is it so bad to get what you want?